Do your kids approve of your Filipina wife?

A client asked me today about doing a BLOG article on the subject of kids not approving of their Dad or Mum’s choice of partner, and how best to deal with this. I have to say it’s an issue for Australian Filipina couples that we at Down Under Visa don't hear about very often, but it may well be more of an issue than we think it is, given that really we just manage partner visa applications and tourist visa applications for couples. But we do inevitably get to see family issues along the way, whether clients choose to discuss these matters with us or not.

I’ll give you my opinion based on my own experience as a former single-parent who went through this myself when I had brought my own Filipina wife to Australia many years ago.

Is it their business, and do you need the kids approval?

Yes, to an extent it’s their business. When someone loves you, yes they have a right to say something constructive when it’s based purely on love for you. If you were very obviously on the rebound from a failed marriage and you told them in gushing terms that you found the love of your life in a skinny 19 year old bar girl 45 years your junior* that you met in an Angeles City bar a week before, of course they are going to say something.

(*And I’m not making references to age differences. Many of our clients have large age-gaps and are very happy. I’m referring to making really rash decisions.)

However there’s a great deal of difference between that and simply disapproving of your choice of spouse, the choice of whom you made over time with a very clear head. It’s not their job to choose who you should marry, or to choose whether you should marry at all. You are an adult, and that’s a very personal decision that no one should ever interfere with. Marriage has long been considered as sacred, and a no-go area.

My own experience

I was a single dad for 7 years. Raised two little boys aged 4 and 8 by myself. I had a relationship during this time with a school teacher (a deputy principal, I might add) who was dreadful with them. She saw them as competition for my attention, and tried to pressure me into living with her mum in Sydney and leaving my kids behind without a dad. No, I wouldn't do it. They were little kids, and that was completely unreasonable. So she got the flick!

However, when I met Mila she had no difficulty in accepting them. It’s rare to find a Filipina who has any difficulty in mothering a few stray kids, and Mila was no exception. Jeremy (our office manager these days) got fed better, so he was therefore fairly content. My eldest son didn't like the changes, but hey….tough! It wasn't his decision, and he was not being reasonable, so he had to get used to it. It was obvious nothing was going to change and he knew I wouldn't bend, so he got on with it and life improved all round. I spelled it out at the start. I told them that as my wife, she spoke with my authority, and that I expected them to show her the same level of respect that they showed me.

What should you expect?

And if you have made a level-headed choice of spouse, and she is kind and accepting of your kids, then you should expect support and encouragement from your kids. You did your bit for them already, from the sleepless nights, the being-vomited-on, and having all your belongings destroyed, right through to the rebellious teens. When they are still genuinely kids, they owe you obedience and respect and you owe them a high level of care. When they are adults? Definitely time they took a step back and let you have your own happiness. You well and truly earned it, and your kids….especially adult children…..should be the ones who defend that right of yours vehemently. It’s not like they would put you ahead of their own spouses, would they?

So fair is fair! If you've met a good Filipina woman who makes you happy, then hang onto her with all your might and never let her go. And don't let anyone tell you differently!