This isn’t “dating advice”, as we don’t do that and I need to make that abundantly clear. We help people with visa applications from Philippines to Australia, however from time to time I like to share some thoughts about cross-cultural relationships because….well…..I’M in one….and if you are a client or a prospective client of Down Under Visa, then chances are you’re fairly established in one too. And the better we all understand each other, the better we’ll get on with each other.

The diagram above is Maslin’s Hierarchy of Needs.

You can read more about it HERE if you like. But what it’s all about is seeing what “level” a person is on due to their lifestyle, and then we can see if we can relate well to them. If we’re not at the same level, then we’ll look at things very differently, and this can make life very difficult. If I look at a painting and think “lovely use of colour” and you are thinking “I could lean that against a tree and it will keep the rain out”, then we’re not exactly seeing eye to eye, are we?

Maslin’s Levels of Needs

The theory is that we all start our life-journey at the bottom of the pyramid. And I suppose if society crumbles and we start living in a Mad Max type of world, we would probably regress back to the basics. But let’s assume in most cases we don’t.

We start with the basic PHYSIOLOGICAL level. Need to eat, drink, sleep, breath, not freeze to death, etc. If we are struggling to achieve things at that level, we are not too interested in what happens at the next level. If you’re hungry, you don’t care about your self-esteem nor do you care about world peace, and maybe you will do things that a less-hungry person wouldn’t do! Your need to fill your belly is more urgent.

The following levels are SAFETY, LOVE/BELONGING, ESTEEM and SELF-ACTUALIZATION in that order. To care about any of these levels, we need to be content and satisfied at the level below that. With a full belly, we then start thinking about safety and stability. And once we feel secure in having a stable job and a stable roof over our heads and some money in the bank, we can start thinking about our friends, family and relationships. After that, self-esteem, self-respect, etc. and so it goes on.

How does this affect our relationships with others?

A great deal, actually. And I think most of us have come across this, and most will probably say “Yes, this explains a lot!”

Quick example: Many people here in the Philippines remember the days of Marcos fondly! Yes, seriously! Amazing to us, because we think “Hey, but there was martial law! People disappeared! No freedom of the press!” What did the poor people remember? Free bags of rice and free tins of sardines! Caring about freedom of the press and having to be home before curfew, this doesn’t mean diddly squat when you have an empty belly! They remember the food handouts!

If you are at a fairly stable stage of your life, you will no doubt care deeply about those higher things that really only matter when you are satisfied at basic levels. You want to meet your soul mate, and you want friendships that are meaningful with people who treat you with respect. You are able to love unconditionally, and you expect the same from others.

What happens if that other person is not at that level? What happens if they are living not even week-to-week but day-to-day? What if they have siblings who could be unable to finish their studies and therefore unable to even get a job in Jollibee? What if mum is getting older and they know her health will soon start failing? What if losing the present source of income means they and their family are out in the street and maybe begging leftovers from the neighbours? This scenario of very real for so many!

Ask yourself if that person is able to care about the more lofty principles of honesty and integrity when they are in fear of the next typhoon blowing the shack away and mum ending up out in the open with no shelter? I’m fortunate that when I met my wife she and her family were content at the basic levels and we could meet as equals in the values that we were able to uphold. Her family is mostly fairly stable too, so we get very few issues.

Advice? Try to work out fairly quickly at what level a person is at in the Hierarchy of Needs. Then don’t have high expectations of them meeting ideals that they are literally not capable of right now. And don’t forget their families. No one in the Philippines is content to forget about them, and nor should they. If the family are struggling with the basics, then this is where they will all be at! If you need to relate to someone at a higher level on the Hierarchy diagram? Maybe you need to look elsewhere.